#returning to self

[notesfromfebruary]

📓 journal prompt #3 :

“who am i when i’m not performing for anyone?”

sit with that. even if the answer’s quiet.

you’re still in there. always have been.

🌒 gently finding our way back.

(P.S. - there are days i feel like a stranger in my own skin.

not sad. not okay. not broken. just… not me.

and i can’t explain it.

like i’ve been running so long,

i forgot who i was before the sprint.

maybe you feel that too.

maybe you’re not lost.

maybe you’re just slowly returning

to a version of you that wasn’t built in survival mode. )

[urbanglitterfolk]

The song of cicadas

There have been many times in my life when I have envied foolish women, like Daisy Buchanan. My mother knows this, and when I say it, she just laughs. She laughs because, thanks to her genes, ambition, and dedication, her daughters are not the dazzlingly foolish women of The Great Gatsby. I suppose that’s why I’m here, hiding from mosquitoes in the middle of nowhere in the Peruvian high jungle, like a child playing at camp, with scraped knees and a few cuts on my feet, still chasing after something I can no longer name—a feeling, a state of consciousness.

The mountains greet me with a nonchalant attitude, their familiarity disarms me. They feel so known yet so distant, like the sand I find in my swimsuit—I don’t know if it’s from yesterday or months ago—but none of that matters. All I know is that where there’s sand, there’s happiness.

Six o’clock arrives, and I am ready. I had picked out my dress for the ceremony months ago. I had spent more time than I care to admit thinking about what to wear, but nature had other plans.

"Ready whenever you are!" I text Mayra. She, the hotel owner, is doing me the favor of driving me to the Ashram and introducing me to Don Alberto (we’ll call him “Don” even though he introduced himself as just Alberto—out of respect for his role as a medicine man). Mayra offered to stay with me, but, frankly, I’d rather be stung by a wasp again that same day than force someone to witness and listen to me vomit all night.

I feel like a tribute girl from an ancient tribe, yet not quite. To feel like a tribute girl, I needed my dress.

The sound of cicadas is so loud that it drowns out my thoughts, like an alarm. Mayra, now my friend, mentions that to her, they sound like sirens. At this, I only smile. Always with the sirens.

She doesn’t know that my house is filled with siren crafts, that it all started with a gift and has now become the leitmotif of my home. She doesn’t know that six years ago, when I decided to become the person I longed to be, I felt like I was drowning in the waves while trying to surf, and there, for the first time, I heard the sea. Since that day, the sea, the sirens, and I have been interconnected in ways too numerous to count. But they always appear when something is about to happen, and that’s why I’m here—trying to understand what comes next.

The ceremony began with chants and tobacco. I spent the night in an Ashram in the ecological reserve, where, just hours earlier, I had seen a python (which gave me more nausea than my first dose). The tobacco-infused liquid reminded me of the worst Marlboro hangover of my life. I looked at the stars, felt the guardians, took a deep breath.

On the second dose, the ayahuasca arrived, announced by drums in a giant wave of dolphins and sirens who, though new to me, carried the same intimate familiarity that only the medicine can bring.

I saw the Pacha’s web, the spider, the ant. I saw my mother’s womb. I saw my own womb. But more than anything, I saw myself—I saw myself at 29, 15, 10, 5, and 3 years old. And I saw myself seeing myself, speaking to myself, in suppressed memories that now feel like déjà vu.

I remembered that I have always been there. That, to me, time and space are not linear. And that even though I cannot see myself now, my future self already holds everything I most desire.

It became clear that this time, I wasn’t meant to look ahead but to go back to the beginning. Yet I couldn’t get there. I would have liked to, but it wasn’t the moment.

María Sabina invited me into her body. I traveled to the Peruvian jungle only for an eagle to be absorbed by a tree. I have never been particularly patriotic, but this message had already been given to me—of course, I had ignored it. But it is no coincidence that I am flooded with tears whenever I speak of my home, nor is it a coincidence that when my home found its place, my body disintegrated.

The journey ends almost as quickly as it begins; I step outside to look at the stars, the cicadas continue. I think of my friend Ally and a haiku that began one of his, now many, documentaries: "Nothing in the cry of cicadas suggests, they are about to die."

I think this journey began six years ago, out of fear of dying without having truly lived. And a year ago, I understood that it all begins in the mind. I understood my achievements as just that—achievements, not coincidences. That’s why I write today.

Here, in the middle of nowhere, yet at the center of the planet’s lungs, I know that every breath brings me closer to death—but also to joy. Alas, more time than life.

[1introvertedsage]

…and this wind will carry me home.

[haveacupofjohanny]

Finding Your Way Home: The Messy Journey Back to Self

Have you been pouring from an empty cup? This raw, unfiltered conversation dives deep into what it truly means to find your way back to yourself—and it’s not the Instagram-worthy journey you might expect. Forget the sage-burning rituals and silk robes. Real self-reclamation happens on bathroom floors at midnight when no one’s watching. It’s about finally hearing that whisper inside that’s been…

[lilybug-02]

Curious monsters

Bug Fact: Entomology, or the study of insects, goes back centuries! During the 1600's, Italian biologist, Marcello Malpighi, was the first to provide significant insights into insect morphology through the new invention of the microscope. 🔬

V2 First || Prev // Next

Volume 2 Masterpost ▴♥︎▴

[deikshen]

Omega Shen Qingqiu who is fed up with all the courtship gifts he receives. It's okay, it's entertaining, but at this point in his life he is quite tired. His Binghe has fallen (been pushed and stabbed haha oops) into the Endless Abyss, and he is really fed up with courtship gifts and having to answer civilized letters rejecting them.

So, just to spite him, Shang Qinghua sends him a courtship gift. Just to make fun of him. It's a silly little thing, literally. A flower with two long light blue petals pressed with with the description below "Hatsune Miku Flower".

Shen Qingqiu keeps it.

Okay, so if he rejects the courtship, he's supposed to return the gifts and send a rejection letter. But damn! He knows Shang Qinghua did it as a fucking joke to get on his nerves. So, he keeps the damn flower and doesn't waste his time sending the rejection letter.

Shang Qinghua comes over for tea after that, and they stay up later than would be appropriate discussing some fandom shit. In reality, time passes and it is late at night when Shen Qingqiu kicks Shang Qinghua out of his house.

A few days later, Shang Qinghua sends another gift. The truth is that, at that moment, BOTH of them have forgotten the nonsense of courtship gifts and all that. But Shang Qinghua had gone down to the village, had seen some ugly and ridiculously colorful fans, and decided that it would make a great ironic gift for his friend. So he buy them, wrap them with the most delicate care, and send them off.

And then, a few days later, he sends a very ridiculous collection of novels he found directly to his chaotic reader friend. He does so, of course, knowing that he would not be able to carry those books on his return, taking advantage of the parcel service to lighten his trip.

So when he gets to Cang Qiong, he's suddenly being looked at horribly by the other Alphas and he's just—hey, he didn't do anything wrong!!!

Shen Qingqiu enjoys his books, uses his colorful fans exclusively to hit Shang Qinghua, and only once regrettably uses one for a whole day until he realizes it and just hits Shang Qinghua swung his fan very hard, horrified.

Shang Qinghua keeps coming to drink tea, gossip and complain almost every afternoon. He often stays up late at night. At one point, Liu Qingge just stops with Shen Qingqiu to say:

"You shouldn't be with an Alpha who is courting you without a chaperone."

And Shen Qingqiu is just: "???? What Alpha is courting me?"

When Shang Qinghua arrives a while later with some sweet buns for tea, Liu Qingge rolls his eyes and runs away.

And the entire sect believes that they are in a fairly advanced phase of their courtship. Of course, it is a very serious matter; they meet all the standards of taking it as seriously as they should. Gifts, meals, providing for him; even Shen Qingqiu looks happier, using the gifts Shang Qinghua gives him to show how he accepts his courtship, eating his snacks in public, composing new songs for him.

(Shen Qingqiu doesn't compose a shit. He plays pop songs that Shang Qinghua misses on the guqin and enjoy some music he thought he would never hear again.)

When the courtship has already lasted more than half a year, everyone is restless. Although it is true that some courtships are long... The truth is that in half a year, they should already be preparing a wedding! A small ceremony at least! But neither of them seems to talk about weddings, or ceremonies, or trousseaus, or preparations, and they are all NERVOUS.

Could it be that the two peak lords are holding such a private ceremony that not even their pack of peak lords will be invited? That was rude!

Once again, Shen Qingqiu and Shang Qinghua still have no idea what the hell is going on with them. Why do all peak lords behave so strangely? Why do they keep insisting that they go see a fortune teller? What the hell are they talking about???

[stlamb]

you don't have to throw it all away to become new again

[xerospaced]

For months I'd been telling myself the right things but still felt this undeniable disappointment in self and lack of faith.

It feels good to actually feel the kindness sincerely again. This is what it means to love self. It's finally getting through.

[ayilings]

do we fuck with black parade hatsune miku [wip] 💀🖤

[chloesimaginationthings]

FNAF movie Mike meets Jeremy Fitzgerald

[grimfantas]

10 years in the future for Nanako-chan

[pemprika]

an untainted innocence

[hansoeii]

thorin

[dooblebrain]

slams credit card on table ANOTHER ONE

unstoppable existential dread vs immovable idgaf who will win

I need to space out all my dr. coomer angst comics lol

[sunderwight]

y'know I think that if Liu Qingge actually did tell Shen Qingqiu (SY version) that he was lonely and asked him to be intimate with him, even just for tonight, as speculated in the Airplane Q&A, Shen Qingqiu would go for it.

like probably not after he married Luo Binghe (because infidelity), and at first I think he'd blank in shock and he'd need to quadruple check that he had correctly gleaned Liu Qingge's (extremely blunt) meaning, but after that... yeah. I think he would

because I think he'd want to, because he is attracted to Liu Qingge, he's just repressed about it. so I imagine his thought process would go:

-oh no I'm straight I can't sleep with Liu Qingge

-also this would be a terrible ethical violation because I'm his shixiong

-although as fellow peak lords we're basically equals so that probably doesn't matter so much

-I mean he is asking me after all it's not like I'm perving on him or anything here

-wow this is so deeply sad for Liu-shidi who has turned to me of all random people in his hour of need, only to be rejected

-is he sex pollen'd? he doesn't look it...

-I'm sure lots of people would jump at the chance to be with someone as handsome and capable as him! does he not know that? are people not jumping at the chance to be with him?

-I guess not if he's lonely?

-how incredibly stupid of them! the incomparable war god of bai zhan is a catch!

-this really is too tragic to tolerate. I can't possibly turn him down now, what if it's a blow to his pride that he never recovers from? a man needs his pride! gay men even more than most probably! that's what that whole gay pride thing is about, right?!

-so in a way it would be homophobic to reject him

-and well if it's just for one night... I mean, the truly heterosexual man should be comfortable in his sexuality... obviously I find the idea intolerable, however, it might be even more intolerable at this point to turn him down. for basic decency reasons that would compel anyone, not just me

-there are probably lesbians who would make an exception for Liu-shidi I mean just look at him

-and who is more confident in his dislike of oranges, the man who has tried one and confirmed his distaste, or the man who has never eaten an orange in his life? in a way, isn't having sex with Liu-shidi this one time actually the straightest thing I could do?

-(has sex with Liu Qingge)

-(enjoys it)

[meltedmush]

Bulk post of my weekly illustrations!